Broken

A few nights ago I was working on broken things: screwing a zebra head back on, sewing the strap back on David's foot rest, gluing a broken mug, and attaching Velcro to his wheelchair mount for his cell phone.  With a lot of equipment, special devices and accessories, and a toddler who is constantly breaking or destroying things, it's easy to pile up a lot of broken things to fix all the time.

"Christ is building His kingdom with earth’s broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth’s broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory."
—J. R. Miller

That day that David fell, left him broken in so many ways.  Because his brain has been injured in the place that controls impulses and judgement, his sin seems more transparent than mine.  It seems a lot uglier because he doesn't have the "brakes" anymore (or as much).  Even though it's exasperating and frustrating, I'm thankful because it has shown me, like a mirror, what I am.  It challenges me to seek forgiveness and give out forgiveness when I really don't feel like it.  It forces me to see that I need God and His strength every minute. I am nothing without Him.  It brings me back to the core of the gospel, the power of the Cross.  Brain injury strips a person of any facades. It leaves one raw and open for the world to see the good, the bad and the ugly of your soul.  Sometimes I wonder, with a bit of trepidation, what I would look like to the world if I had a brain injury and my filter was suddenly gone.  Then they would see me for who I really am.  My David is aptly named because, well, he is my Beloved, but he also reminds me of David in the Bible.  When he messes up, he always comes back to his God. He has a pure heart and he never has any malice toward me, even when I'm reacting nastily to situations.  He is always quick to forgive me, which I love. Who doesn't love a man who shows mercy to the undeserving?

One of our caregivers gave me a book  by Amy Carmichael that challenges me in my marriage.  One of the quotes that keeps running through my head lately is this: "If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, 'Just what I expected,' if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love."  This "Calvary love" is a love I'm forever learning, every moment.  But when I do surrender my fear and replace it with trust in a God who became man to defeat death and sin for me, amazing things can happen.

Lately, it's been good.  We had a few crazy, yucky months after baby was born.  I was struggling with postpartum depression and exhaustion.  David was battling severe headaches and horrible side effects of a couple medications he was trying for the headaches. He had to go to the ER 5 times.  We had 3 speaking/ teaching events at the local tech school in the month of October.  Now, David hasn't been to the ER in over a month and I'm feeling like the fog is lifting and I have more energy.  I started David on some supplements about 3 weeks ago for Omegas, essential oils, food nutrients and vitamins and he's doing really well.  I'm noticing improvements in all areas.  His memory is improving and he's asking more questions that require higher level thinking.  Tonight, I was super impressed.  He was able to infer from eavesdropping on a part of a phone conversation that he needed to pray quietly and then decided to keep the the information he'd inferred to himself instead of blurting it out.  It was amazing.  I have not seen this level of processing and control since before his accident.  He's walking around with just me helping and climbing steps!  He's less anxious and more insightful.  I feel like I'm getting more of the lost puzzle pieces back! :)

"Your Whole World"

I was grocery shopping last week and was in the checkout line with my girls in the cart.  There was a little old man in front of me who had kindly put a divider in between his apple cinnamon Cheerios and my groceries.  He kept looking at us curiously and then finally got the nerve to ask if he could peek under the car seat cover to look at Abi.  He smiled broadly when he saw her sleeping angelically.  Looking at the cart with the girls in it, he said, "That's your whole world right there."  I couldn't help but smile.  It made my heart warm and feel so thankful that God has given me the gift of being a mother to these sweet little girls.  Anyone that knows the oldest one knows she gives us a run for our money but we love them both so much!  I look at them and think, Man, I am so blessed to have these gifts.  They make my life so full of joy.

Ever since Abi was born, David has been blossoming into his "dad role" more and more.  It's really an answer to prayer.  He still is very limited in his ability to "parent" but is interacting more and more with the girls.  I've been praying a lot about this, especially his relationship with Jocelyn.  When she was just a wee babe, David's motor skills were not what they are now.  When I would lay her in his arm so he could hold her, at any cough, sneeze or yawn, his arm would clench around her.  Then when she started walking and getting up close to him, he would attempt to play with her and it would come out as him grabbing her arm.  She got very scared of him and men in general.  She has a few terrific uncles and grandpas that have been inching their way into her little heart and have helped chip away at her "man anxiety". She's slowly realizing Daddy is not as scary and can have fun with him.  He will play blocks with her, kick a big ball back and forth, read books and let her crawl all over him.  He also likes to sing to the girls and teach them songs.  He's really great at remembering lyrics to songs and can tap out the tune on the piano.

Rambling

Everybody who knows my dad, knows he rambles when he speaks.  David has gotten into the habit of asking my dad to ramble when he speaks at church meetings because he loves it. :)  Today, I'm going to walk in my dad's footsteps and ramble a bit.

We've been working on David's walking for over two years now.  You'd think things would have gotten better.  Well, they have to some degree...but that's just it, degrees, millimeters, micrometers...some minuscule measurement.  I've thought, "if only he could walk independently, at least with a walker..." so many times.  Maybe in another few years...But at least he's in a real walker now!  He needs help with his left leg, constant verbal cuing for everything and help keeping his walker straight, but...he's in a real walker! :)

This is him a couple weeks ago.

The PT also had him on the floor to work on floor recovery.  If you don't know what floor recovery is, it's when you teach someone how to get off the floor after they've fallen or somehow ended up on the floor.  David can't do this anywhere near independently but he surprised me how much he could do!

Lately, David has been involved in a job assessment.  He has been working at a local florist, finding out what he can and can't do.  He has amazed me at how tenacious he can be if he's motivated! :)  He is able to fold boxes for floral arrangements with one hand independently.  I couldn't believe how he was able to get the bottom woven together so it didn't need tape.   Last time, I was able to go with him and watch him.  He met a young man that works there who had a brain AVM (arteriovenous malformation) 10 years ago that caused him to become paralyzed on his left side.  He now walks around and uses his left arm.  I hope that he can encourage David.

David and I have been really struggling with some personal things.  I wonder what the Lord has in it.  We went to go see the movie War Room and were deeply encouraged and convicted.  I've felt so many times that we are in real spiritual warfare.  Our enemy is not our spouse or whoever else we have to relate to, it is Satan himself.  We have a caregiver who is involved in Wicca practices and has pentagon symbols all over her.  We need real discernment is this situation.  Do we try to continue to witness the Good News of salvation to her or let her go because we have a household that serves the Lord?  

Almost two weeks ago, I went to the moms group I go to sometimes.  At the end, we were asked to say what our dream vacation would be.  I was holding back tears because we never get to go on real vacations anymore.  Our honeymoon was the last time we went somewhere without vestiges of TBI life lurking in the shadows.  We always have help and we're never a family that isn't weighted down by disability barriers.  It's hard to dream with that reality in your head.  If we want to go anywhere, I have to do extensive planning beyond normal packing and picking hotels and destinations.  I have to make sure the restaurants, hotels, bathrooms, campsites, etc... are handicap accessible.  And even when I do call ahead and reserve a room with a roll-in shower, sometimes I can see them staring blankly across the phone lines because they have no idea what a roll-in shower is and why it would possibly be so important to have that...then I get there after they've assured me they do indeed have one, and it has been reserved to someone else so I have to figure out how to shower my husband without him falling because I don't have enough room in the "accessible" bathroom to transfer him correctly.  I have to make sure I've ordered supplies and medications in time before we leave but not too soon because it won't be authorized yet.  Then making sure I remembered everything that David needs just to spend one night.  If I forgot one item, it could be a disaster.  It's not the same as forgetting wipes or diapers for a baby.  You can just run to the next Wal-Mart and pick more up...not so with some of David's supplies.  If I forget, they don't just sell them at any drug store AND some of them require a prescription from a doctor.  

BUT, there's a thing called (well, some might call it stupidity or bravery)..but however you categorize it...we did something crazy this weekend.  I packed up everyone (David, me, the toddler and the baby) and headed up north for a long weekend and a wedding.  It was just us.  That hasn't ever happened before.  I was nervous but I've been hankering to get away.  Last year, I "dropped" (more like gently lost control) David last summer because the hotel bathroom we were in was less than ideal.  Thankfully, that time, I had help to get him off the floor.  This time, I just asked the Lord to please help me because I had no one if things went south.  Taking a vacation with two kids under the age of 2 and a husband that is dependent is scary and super time consuming.  I mentally prepared for just having loads of time.   I'm not a very good time manager and usually try to pack too many things into too little time but this time I knew that it was going to be a lot so I basically planned on things taking all day! It took 3-4 hours every morning to get everyone ready and packed to get out of the hotel. Crazy! No more 5 minute get-ready sessions like I used to in high school.  With a husband that has communication difficulties and needing help with every aspect of life and a two-year old running around trying to smother her sister and unroll toilet paper plus a nursing baby, it's quite the adventure, let me tell you.  But, the Lord gave us a beautiful autumn weekend and we enjoyed some waterfalls on the north shore in MN and a wedding of two godly people.  The kids slept and behaved well, in general, so, overall, it was the best I could have expected, and actually better.  David got to see some friends he hadn't seen in years.  I felt "whole" for the first time since David's accident.  We always have help.  We always have caregivers or family, which is great to have that help and support, but, it's amazing to feel like we are actually our own family unit for once.  This daily grind that we live can get so suffocating sometimes.  TBI consumes me.  This weekend freed me to some extent.  Even though it was there in the background, it wasn't screaming in my face for attention 24/7.   It felt like we were a semi-normal family for once, a family that went on a vacation.

Positive Words

Yes, I'm writing two posts today.

Because of David's brain injury, he struggles with major depression and anxiety over the way he is and the life he lives now.  It's a daily battle.  He has a very hard time coming up with something he did well that day or recognizing when he is successful.

Today he surprised me.  He just started back up with his Occupational Therapist for work on being more independent with ADL's (activities of daily living) after a break for a few months of hard work at home.  The therapist worked with him on donning and doffing a shirt.  He surprised her by taking off his shirt all by himself in less than a minute!  Then he was able to put on his shirt with just a little help from her.  When he came home, he told me, "Today was a good day because of two things.  I learned that I was able to put my shirt on and take it off all by myself!"  He's actually excited about working on this and visiting his therapist.  He finally realized he was successful with something and it made his day! Instead of telling his caregiver to do it, he reminded her that he could do it and he was going to do it by himself.  He didn't even get frustrated with himself when it took him 7 minutes to put his shirt on.  Yes!!

New Life

As many of you know, we welcomed another daughter into our family on July 30th a little before 1am.  She is perfect.  She sleeps a lot (in contrast to her older sister!) and is such a peaceful little presence in our home.  She's just what I need.  I was going through major baby fever last summer when my niece was born but I thought it an impossible thing, a gift that I shouldn't set my hopes on.  I didn't even take pregnancy tests because I didn't want to be disappointed.  I should've just been thankful that God gave us our first daughter without trying or knowing that she was being knitted together before David's accident.  But I longed for another baby, for some selfish reasons, but also so that our first daughter wouldn't be an only child.  David didn't remember my pregnancy or birth of our first daughter so I wanted him to experience this joy at least once.  God is so good!  One of the first things that the doctors told me that might not "work" was for David to have children after his accident, before I even knew he had a massive brain injury.  At that point I didn't care, I just wanted my husband alive.  Little did I know the dire news that would be delivered to me 3 years ago, the journey that lay ahead of us, or the gifts that God would grace us with along the way.

Well, here she is, our second miracle baby, born just a week shy of David's 3 year anniversary of his accident...a lovely reminder of life and hope.

ABI ARIANA HANSON

A Photojournalist View of Snippets of Our Day

A necklace destroyed by the one and only small one

Enjoying a new wildflower that has arrived in our neighborhood lately

This little miss is our sunshine

Because nosey cups, thickened liquids, meds and built up utensils are a daily occurrence 

For some reason she only wants to wear one of these shoes, not two, but one

Because dishes never end

Because caterpillars need to use the potty too

The favorite comfy spot for this guy

The countdown has begun and the littlest little will be arriving soon!

Answered Prayer

We have been having serious caregiving staffing issues.  We have not had any consistent new hires to fill open shifts in almost a year from two companies.  We now have contracts with two other companies to fill the rest of the hours...so we are working with four companies now! Crazy! One of the caregivers started a couple days ago and we really like her so far - smart, sweet and reliable! We will probably meet the other one next week (just two weeks before my due date!!).   Thank you for praying. God hears and answers at the right time.

You can also pray for a safe, healthy delivery of our baby girl in 3 weeks (or whenever she decides to make her grand arrival into this world). 😀