Broken

A few nights ago I was working on broken things: screwing a zebra head back on, sewing the strap back on David's foot rest, gluing a broken mug, and attaching Velcro to his wheelchair mount for his cell phone.  With a lot of equipment, special devices and accessories, and a toddler who is constantly breaking or destroying things, it's easy to pile up a lot of broken things to fix all the time.

"Christ is building His kingdom with earth’s broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth’s broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory."
—J. R. Miller

That day that David fell, left him broken in so many ways.  Because his brain has been injured in the place that controls impulses and judgement, his sin seems more transparent than mine.  It seems a lot uglier because he doesn't have the "brakes" anymore (or as much).  Even though it's exasperating and frustrating, I'm thankful because it has shown me, like a mirror, what I am.  It challenges me to seek forgiveness and give out forgiveness when I really don't feel like it.  It forces me to see that I need God and His strength every minute. I am nothing without Him.  It brings me back to the core of the gospel, the power of the Cross.  Brain injury strips a person of any facades. It leaves one raw and open for the world to see the good, the bad and the ugly of your soul.  Sometimes I wonder, with a bit of trepidation, what I would look like to the world if I had a brain injury and my filter was suddenly gone.  Then they would see me for who I really am.  My David is aptly named because, well, he is my Beloved, but he also reminds me of David in the Bible.  When he messes up, he always comes back to his God. He has a pure heart and he never has any malice toward me, even when I'm reacting nastily to situations.  He is always quick to forgive me, which I love. Who doesn't love a man who shows mercy to the undeserving?

One of our caregivers gave me a book  by Amy Carmichael that challenges me in my marriage.  One of the quotes that keeps running through my head lately is this: "If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, 'Just what I expected,' if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love."  This "Calvary love" is a love I'm forever learning, every moment.  But when I do surrender my fear and replace it with trust in a God who became man to defeat death and sin for me, amazing things can happen.

Lately, it's been good.  We had a few crazy, yucky months after baby was born.  I was struggling with postpartum depression and exhaustion.  David was battling severe headaches and horrible side effects of a couple medications he was trying for the headaches. He had to go to the ER 5 times.  We had 3 speaking/ teaching events at the local tech school in the month of October.  Now, David hasn't been to the ER in over a month and I'm feeling like the fog is lifting and I have more energy.  I started David on some supplements about 3 weeks ago for Omegas, essential oils, food nutrients and vitamins and he's doing really well.  I'm noticing improvements in all areas.  His memory is improving and he's asking more questions that require higher level thinking.  Tonight, I was super impressed.  He was able to infer from eavesdropping on a part of a phone conversation that he needed to pray quietly and then decided to keep the the information he'd inferred to himself instead of blurting it out.  It was amazing.  I have not seen this level of processing and control since before his accident.  He's walking around with just me helping and climbing steps!  He's less anxious and more insightful.  I feel like I'm getting more of the lost puzzle pieces back! :)