Broken

A few nights ago I was working on broken things: screwing a zebra head back on, sewing the strap back on David's foot rest, gluing a broken mug, and attaching Velcro to his wheelchair mount for his cell phone.  With a lot of equipment, special devices and accessories, and a toddler who is constantly breaking or destroying things, it's easy to pile up a lot of broken things to fix all the time.

"Christ is building His kingdom with earth’s broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth’s broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory."
—J. R. Miller

That day that David fell, left him broken in so many ways.  Because his brain has been injured in the place that controls impulses and judgement, his sin seems more transparent than mine.  It seems a lot uglier because he doesn't have the "brakes" anymore (or as much).  Even though it's exasperating and frustrating, I'm thankful because it has shown me, like a mirror, what I am.  It challenges me to seek forgiveness and give out forgiveness when I really don't feel like it.  It forces me to see that I need God and His strength every minute. I am nothing without Him.  It brings me back to the core of the gospel, the power of the Cross.  Brain injury strips a person of any facades. It leaves one raw and open for the world to see the good, the bad and the ugly of your soul.  Sometimes I wonder, with a bit of trepidation, what I would look like to the world if I had a brain injury and my filter was suddenly gone.  Then they would see me for who I really am.  My David is aptly named because, well, he is my Beloved, but he also reminds me of David in the Bible.  When he messes up, he always comes back to his God. He has a pure heart and he never has any malice toward me, even when I'm reacting nastily to situations.  He is always quick to forgive me, which I love. Who doesn't love a man who shows mercy to the undeserving?

One of our caregivers gave me a book  by Amy Carmichael that challenges me in my marriage.  One of the quotes that keeps running through my head lately is this: "If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, 'Just what I expected,' if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love."  This "Calvary love" is a love I'm forever learning, every moment.  But when I do surrender my fear and replace it with trust in a God who became man to defeat death and sin for me, amazing things can happen.

Lately, it's been good.  We had a few crazy, yucky months after baby was born.  I was struggling with postpartum depression and exhaustion.  David was battling severe headaches and horrible side effects of a couple medications he was trying for the headaches. He had to go to the ER 5 times.  We had 3 speaking/ teaching events at the local tech school in the month of October.  Now, David hasn't been to the ER in over a month and I'm feeling like the fog is lifting and I have more energy.  I started David on some supplements about 3 weeks ago for Omegas, essential oils, food nutrients and vitamins and he's doing really well.  I'm noticing improvements in all areas.  His memory is improving and he's asking more questions that require higher level thinking.  Tonight, I was super impressed.  He was able to infer from eavesdropping on a part of a phone conversation that he needed to pray quietly and then decided to keep the the information he'd inferred to himself instead of blurting it out.  It was amazing.  I have not seen this level of processing and control since before his accident.  He's walking around with just me helping and climbing steps!  He's less anxious and more insightful.  I feel like I'm getting more of the lost puzzle pieces back! :)

"Your Whole World"

I was grocery shopping last week and was in the checkout line with my girls in the cart.  There was a little old man in front of me who had kindly put a divider in between his apple cinnamon Cheerios and my groceries.  He kept looking at us curiously and then finally got the nerve to ask if he could peek under the car seat cover to look at Abi.  He smiled broadly when he saw her sleeping angelically.  Looking at the cart with the girls in it, he said, "That's your whole world right there."  I couldn't help but smile.  It made my heart warm and feel so thankful that God has given me the gift of being a mother to these sweet little girls.  Anyone that knows the oldest one knows she gives us a run for our money but we love them both so much!  I look at them and think, Man, I am so blessed to have these gifts.  They make my life so full of joy.

Ever since Abi was born, David has been blossoming into his "dad role" more and more.  It's really an answer to prayer.  He still is very limited in his ability to "parent" but is interacting more and more with the girls.  I've been praying a lot about this, especially his relationship with Jocelyn.  When she was just a wee babe, David's motor skills were not what they are now.  When I would lay her in his arm so he could hold her, at any cough, sneeze or yawn, his arm would clench around her.  Then when she started walking and getting up close to him, he would attempt to play with her and it would come out as him grabbing her arm.  She got very scared of him and men in general.  She has a few terrific uncles and grandpas that have been inching their way into her little heart and have helped chip away at her "man anxiety". She's slowly realizing Daddy is not as scary and can have fun with him.  He will play blocks with her, kick a big ball back and forth, read books and let her crawl all over him.  He also likes to sing to the girls and teach them songs.  He's really great at remembering lyrics to songs and can tap out the tune on the piano.