Broken

A few nights ago I was working on broken things: screwing a zebra head back on, sewing the strap back on David's foot rest, gluing a broken mug, and attaching Velcro to his wheelchair mount for his cell phone.  With a lot of equipment, special devices and accessories, and a toddler who is constantly breaking or destroying things, it's easy to pile up a lot of broken things to fix all the time.

"Christ is building His kingdom with earth’s broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth’s broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory."
—J. R. Miller

That day that David fell, left him broken in so many ways.  Because his brain has been injured in the place that controls impulses and judgement, his sin seems more transparent than mine.  It seems a lot uglier because he doesn't have the "brakes" anymore (or as much).  Even though it's exasperating and frustrating, I'm thankful because it has shown me, like a mirror, what I am.  It challenges me to seek forgiveness and give out forgiveness when I really don't feel like it.  It forces me to see that I need God and His strength every minute. I am nothing without Him.  It brings me back to the core of the gospel, the power of the Cross.  Brain injury strips a person of any facades. It leaves one raw and open for the world to see the good, the bad and the ugly of your soul.  Sometimes I wonder, with a bit of trepidation, what I would look like to the world if I had a brain injury and my filter was suddenly gone.  Then they would see me for who I really am.  My David is aptly named because, well, he is my Beloved, but he also reminds me of David in the Bible.  When he messes up, he always comes back to his God. He has a pure heart and he never has any malice toward me, even when I'm reacting nastily to situations.  He is always quick to forgive me, which I love. Who doesn't love a man who shows mercy to the undeserving?

One of our caregivers gave me a book  by Amy Carmichael that challenges me in my marriage.  One of the quotes that keeps running through my head lately is this: "If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, 'Just what I expected,' if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love."  This "Calvary love" is a love I'm forever learning, every moment.  But when I do surrender my fear and replace it with trust in a God who became man to defeat death and sin for me, amazing things can happen.

Lately, it's been good.  We had a few crazy, yucky months after baby was born.  I was struggling with postpartum depression and exhaustion.  David was battling severe headaches and horrible side effects of a couple medications he was trying for the headaches. He had to go to the ER 5 times.  We had 3 speaking/ teaching events at the local tech school in the month of October.  Now, David hasn't been to the ER in over a month and I'm feeling like the fog is lifting and I have more energy.  I started David on some supplements about 3 weeks ago for Omegas, essential oils, food nutrients and vitamins and he's doing really well.  I'm noticing improvements in all areas.  His memory is improving and he's asking more questions that require higher level thinking.  Tonight, I was super impressed.  He was able to infer from eavesdropping on a part of a phone conversation that he needed to pray quietly and then decided to keep the the information he'd inferred to himself instead of blurting it out.  It was amazing.  I have not seen this level of processing and control since before his accident.  He's walking around with just me helping and climbing steps!  He's less anxious and more insightful.  I feel like I'm getting more of the lost puzzle pieces back! :)

"Your Whole World"

I was grocery shopping last week and was in the checkout line with my girls in the cart.  There was a little old man in front of me who had kindly put a divider in between his apple cinnamon Cheerios and my groceries.  He kept looking at us curiously and then finally got the nerve to ask if he could peek under the car seat cover to look at Abi.  He smiled broadly when he saw her sleeping angelically.  Looking at the cart with the girls in it, he said, "That's your whole world right there."  I couldn't help but smile.  It made my heart warm and feel so thankful that God has given me the gift of being a mother to these sweet little girls.  Anyone that knows the oldest one knows she gives us a run for our money but we love them both so much!  I look at them and think, Man, I am so blessed to have these gifts.  They make my life so full of joy.

Ever since Abi was born, David has been blossoming into his "dad role" more and more.  It's really an answer to prayer.  He still is very limited in his ability to "parent" but is interacting more and more with the girls.  I've been praying a lot about this, especially his relationship with Jocelyn.  When she was just a wee babe, David's motor skills were not what they are now.  When I would lay her in his arm so he could hold her, at any cough, sneeze or yawn, his arm would clench around her.  Then when she started walking and getting up close to him, he would attempt to play with her and it would come out as him grabbing her arm.  She got very scared of him and men in general.  She has a few terrific uncles and grandpas that have been inching their way into her little heart and have helped chip away at her "man anxiety". She's slowly realizing Daddy is not as scary and can have fun with him.  He will play blocks with her, kick a big ball back and forth, read books and let her crawl all over him.  He also likes to sing to the girls and teach them songs.  He's really great at remembering lyrics to songs and can tap out the tune on the piano.

Rambling

Everybody who knows my dad, knows he rambles when he speaks.  David has gotten into the habit of asking my dad to ramble when he speaks at church meetings because he loves it. :)  Today, I'm going to walk in my dad's footsteps and ramble a bit.

We've been working on David's walking for over two years now.  You'd think things would have gotten better.  Well, they have to some degree...but that's just it, degrees, millimeters, micrometers...some minuscule measurement.  I've thought, "if only he could walk independently, at least with a walker..." so many times.  Maybe in another few years...But at least he's in a real walker now!  He needs help with his left leg, constant verbal cuing for everything and help keeping his walker straight, but...he's in a real walker! :)

This is him a couple weeks ago.

The PT also had him on the floor to work on floor recovery.  If you don't know what floor recovery is, it's when you teach someone how to get off the floor after they've fallen or somehow ended up on the floor.  David can't do this anywhere near independently but he surprised me how much he could do!

Lately, David has been involved in a job assessment.  He has been working at a local florist, finding out what he can and can't do.  He has amazed me at how tenacious he can be if he's motivated! :)  He is able to fold boxes for floral arrangements with one hand independently.  I couldn't believe how he was able to get the bottom woven together so it didn't need tape.   Last time, I was able to go with him and watch him.  He met a young man that works there who had a brain AVM (arteriovenous malformation) 10 years ago that caused him to become paralyzed on his left side.  He now walks around and uses his left arm.  I hope that he can encourage David.

David and I have been really struggling with some personal things.  I wonder what the Lord has in it.  We went to go see the movie War Room and were deeply encouraged and convicted.  I've felt so many times that we are in real spiritual warfare.  Our enemy is not our spouse or whoever else we have to relate to, it is Satan himself.  We have a caregiver who is involved in Wicca practices and has pentagon symbols all over her.  We need real discernment is this situation.  Do we try to continue to witness the Good News of salvation to her or let her go because we have a household that serves the Lord?  

Almost two weeks ago, I went to the moms group I go to sometimes.  At the end, we were asked to say what our dream vacation would be.  I was holding back tears because we never get to go on real vacations anymore.  Our honeymoon was the last time we went somewhere without vestiges of TBI life lurking in the shadows.  We always have help and we're never a family that isn't weighted down by disability barriers.  It's hard to dream with that reality in your head.  If we want to go anywhere, I have to do extensive planning beyond normal packing and picking hotels and destinations.  I have to make sure the restaurants, hotels, bathrooms, campsites, etc... are handicap accessible.  And even when I do call ahead and reserve a room with a roll-in shower, sometimes I can see them staring blankly across the phone lines because they have no idea what a roll-in shower is and why it would possibly be so important to have that...then I get there after they've assured me they do indeed have one, and it has been reserved to someone else so I have to figure out how to shower my husband without him falling because I don't have enough room in the "accessible" bathroom to transfer him correctly.  I have to make sure I've ordered supplies and medications in time before we leave but not too soon because it won't be authorized yet.  Then making sure I remembered everything that David needs just to spend one night.  If I forgot one item, it could be a disaster.  It's not the same as forgetting wipes or diapers for a baby.  You can just run to the next Wal-Mart and pick more up...not so with some of David's supplies.  If I forget, they don't just sell them at any drug store AND some of them require a prescription from a doctor.  

BUT, there's a thing called (well, some might call it stupidity or bravery)..but however you categorize it...we did something crazy this weekend.  I packed up everyone (David, me, the toddler and the baby) and headed up north for a long weekend and a wedding.  It was just us.  That hasn't ever happened before.  I was nervous but I've been hankering to get away.  Last year, I "dropped" (more like gently lost control) David last summer because the hotel bathroom we were in was less than ideal.  Thankfully, that time, I had help to get him off the floor.  This time, I just asked the Lord to please help me because I had no one if things went south.  Taking a vacation with two kids under the age of 2 and a husband that is dependent is scary and super time consuming.  I mentally prepared for just having loads of time.   I'm not a very good time manager and usually try to pack too many things into too little time but this time I knew that it was going to be a lot so I basically planned on things taking all day! It took 3-4 hours every morning to get everyone ready and packed to get out of the hotel. Crazy! No more 5 minute get-ready sessions like I used to in high school.  With a husband that has communication difficulties and needing help with every aspect of life and a two-year old running around trying to smother her sister and unroll toilet paper plus a nursing baby, it's quite the adventure, let me tell you.  But, the Lord gave us a beautiful autumn weekend and we enjoyed some waterfalls on the north shore in MN and a wedding of two godly people.  The kids slept and behaved well, in general, so, overall, it was the best I could have expected, and actually better.  David got to see some friends he hadn't seen in years.  I felt "whole" for the first time since David's accident.  We always have help.  We always have caregivers or family, which is great to have that help and support, but, it's amazing to feel like we are actually our own family unit for once.  This daily grind that we live can get so suffocating sometimes.  TBI consumes me.  This weekend freed me to some extent.  Even though it was there in the background, it wasn't screaming in my face for attention 24/7.   It felt like we were a semi-normal family for once, a family that went on a vacation.

Positive Words

Yes, I'm writing two posts today.

Because of David's brain injury, he struggles with major depression and anxiety over the way he is and the life he lives now.  It's a daily battle.  He has a very hard time coming up with something he did well that day or recognizing when he is successful.

Today he surprised me.  He just started back up with his Occupational Therapist for work on being more independent with ADL's (activities of daily living) after a break for a few months of hard work at home.  The therapist worked with him on donning and doffing a shirt.  He surprised her by taking off his shirt all by himself in less than a minute!  Then he was able to put on his shirt with just a little help from her.  When he came home, he told me, "Today was a good day because of two things.  I learned that I was able to put my shirt on and take it off all by myself!"  He's actually excited about working on this and visiting his therapist.  He finally realized he was successful with something and it made his day! Instead of telling his caregiver to do it, he reminded her that he could do it and he was going to do it by himself.  He didn't even get frustrated with himself when it took him 7 minutes to put his shirt on.  Yes!!

New Life

As many of you know, we welcomed another daughter into our family on July 30th a little before 1am.  She is perfect.  She sleeps a lot (in contrast to her older sister!) and is such a peaceful little presence in our home.  She's just what I need.  I was going through major baby fever last summer when my niece was born but I thought it an impossible thing, a gift that I shouldn't set my hopes on.  I didn't even take pregnancy tests because I didn't want to be disappointed.  I should've just been thankful that God gave us our first daughter without trying or knowing that she was being knitted together before David's accident.  But I longed for another baby, for some selfish reasons, but also so that our first daughter wouldn't be an only child.  David didn't remember my pregnancy or birth of our first daughter so I wanted him to experience this joy at least once.  God is so good!  One of the first things that the doctors told me that might not "work" was for David to have children after his accident, before I even knew he had a massive brain injury.  At that point I didn't care, I just wanted my husband alive.  Little did I know the dire news that would be delivered to me 3 years ago, the journey that lay ahead of us, or the gifts that God would grace us with along the way.

Well, here she is, our second miracle baby, born just a week shy of David's 3 year anniversary of his accident...a lovely reminder of life and hope.

ABI ARIANA HANSON

A Photojournalist View of Snippets of Our Day

A necklace destroyed by the one and only small one

Enjoying a new wildflower that has arrived in our neighborhood lately

This little miss is our sunshine

Because nosey cups, thickened liquids, meds and built up utensils are a daily occurrence 

For some reason she only wants to wear one of these shoes, not two, but one

Because dishes never end

Because caterpillars need to use the potty too

The favorite comfy spot for this guy

The countdown has begun and the littlest little will be arriving soon!

Answered Prayer

We have been having serious caregiving staffing issues.  We have not had any consistent new hires to fill open shifts in almost a year from two companies.  We now have contracts with two other companies to fill the rest of the hours...so we are working with four companies now! Crazy! One of the caregivers started a couple days ago and we really like her so far - smart, sweet and reliable! We will probably meet the other one next week (just two weeks before my due date!!).   Thank you for praying. God hears and answers at the right time.

You can also pray for a safe, healthy delivery of our baby girl in 3 weeks (or whenever she decides to make her grand arrival into this world). 😀

"Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?"

This is an age old question.  I don't know a person on this earth who hasn't asked this question out loud or at least thought it to themselves.  This question was posed this last week at a kids camp we were at.  It's an honest question and a lot of people don't have the answer to it.  It's a question that forces itself to the surface, especially when we're suffering and we can't find a "justifiable reason" for it.

Today is our third wedding anniversary.  It's a bittersweet day for me, although each anniversary is better than the last.  The first was celebrated by getting a get-out-of-jail-free card from the nursing home David was residing in and rolling him down the street to a coffee shop, giving him a couple sips of forbidden coffee (because of his swallowing precautions) and sitting in a tiny redwood park for a few minutes while we attempted to have a "conversation" by going through the alphabet and David giving a thumbs up a hundred times.  I had tried to make the day special by wearing the white dress I wore going away from our wedding...but it got soiled moments before we were going to go on our outing by our precious little 2-month old daughter!  Our second anniversary was spent celebrating David's ability to eat normal food and have a bit of a real verbal conversation by having dinner at Red Lobster.  Today we celebrate David's ability to initiate plans for the day without me having to orchestrate everything and the miracle of expecting another baby soon.  Our wedding day was a beautiful day of love and pure joy.  The memories of that day were nothing but good (except for it being 110 degrees and 3 people suffering heat strokes!!).  We pledged our love to each other for better or worse.  The "worse" came sooner than we'd have liked...seven weeks into our blissful life.

I'm learning to love a new man that God has given me.  I've had to learn to love a man that has problems that most people don't imagine having until they are well into their 80's.  I love a man that is becoming a man after God's own heart...David.

Why the suffering, why the emotional roller coaster of these last 3 years to two people that love God?  This is my answer:  Read the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  They chose death and the curse by sinning against God and disobeying Him by eating the forbidden fruit.  So, in this single act, they ushered sin into this world.  We live in a fallen, accursed world full of suffering, pain, sadness, and discouragement.  But God, in His great mercy has provided an escape, a hope of eternal life.  Sending His only Son to die for us showed the world in one amazing act of love, that He had provided a way of redemption and salvation.  We, born in sin, doomed to death and destruction, have been given the option of eternal life through Christ Jesus.  What hope!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes on His, will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

We may have suffering because of judgement from God because we are living unfaithfully or unrighteously but we also may be suffering for the glory of God.  Whatever the purpose, we can be sure that we can trust in a righteous and trustworthy God and that even though this life in the world may not always be rainbows and lollipops,  if we trust in Jesus as Lord and Savior, we have a hope that no suffering in this world can take away.

Hope

My humanness (is that even a word??) gets the best of me sometimes and my heavenly hope that things will be all better in eternity doesn't always satisfy the longing to have life be a bit better now on this earth.  I'm always researching, trying new things that might help David feel better, function better, live like a 31-year old husband and father should.  I saw a quote yesterday that sums up how I feel on most days, "What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible." --Theodore Roethke.  But we have God, and He is enough.  He does all things well.

But God works through people here and now on this earth.  We've been given a boost of hope by a few professionals lately after a dry season of lots of comments and actions that seemed to imply, "Be thankful for what you have but this is about as good as it gets. Live with it."  A series of bladder infections got David a referral to a urologist who has been very kind and has given some hope for improvement by external means to help his spasms.  A friend of David's posted an article about a man with a brain injury.  I bought his book on Kindle and started reading his story and learned about two fascinating doctors in Chicago area.  I decided to check their websites out and then call them to see how legit they were.  I called one of them today and got her on the phone... no receptionist, no annoying phone tree maze, no answering machine...the real deal!!  She was the coolest, most helpful person I've talked to in a long time that actually seemed interested in David improving more.

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13

A Good Day

Today was a good day.

I'm potty training a toddler and taking care of a disabled husband without my main caregiver this week.  It's crazy around here.  Thanks to my caregiver that comes for 1-1/2 hours in the morning to get David up and dressed, my brother-in-law coming for a few hours to help and my mother-in-law babysitting and helping some this week, it's not as bad as it could be.

David did awesome today.  He did his exercises really well this morning and was able to hold a hands and knees (quadruped) position for a minute without barely any assistance from me.  His push ups were really strong too.  He had a really bad headache last night so didn't sleep too well, so amazed me that he was cognitively and physically strong today.  Usually the next day after a bad headache is a wash.  He gets stuck on about 12 different subjects and will cycle through them endlessly throughout the day but today he did pretty good with staying on topic and even asking some relevant questions today.

We are visiting the neurologist tomorrow and his physiatrist in a few weeks.  Please pray for wisdom for me to ask for the right things for David to aid in his healing.  Some of the big things on my "list" are a solution for his ongoing headaches and regular PT and/or OT to relieve me of the hours of work I do with David on a daily basis just to maintain mobility and slowly progress to functional activities.  In a couple months I will not be able to do this amount of work with him and it is imperative to keeping his headaches and other spasticity/tone related pain and stiffness at a dull roar.  Between that and weekly chiropractic visits, these are the things that I've found to help the most with his pain.  He needs skilled therapy, not just caregivers doing rote exercises.

Comfort and Joy - A Followup

"For we have great joy and consolation in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed by you, brother."  Philemon 1:7

I think my last blog post may have come across as a pity party to some or a unappreciative commentary on lack of support.  Neither were my intention.

We are so thankful for those (especially family) that do support us in visiting us, babysitting Jocelyn, staying with David so I can take a vacation, financial support, kind gifts, thoughtful cards, and prayer intercession.  The abyss I feel in my heart can only be filled with David and Christ and no amount of support and love from others will fully alleviate that.  I also have been called upon to make huge transitions in the last 3 years and it will just take time to move on.  Every gift of love and time to us is greatly appreciated, far more than you can imagine.  The smallest things mean so much, because living this life makes us value life, sacrifice and time out of your day more than ever before.

I write from my heart and I speak the truth.  And the truth about living with a loved one with a brain injury isn't always pretty.  The media is a far cry from the truth.  You don't just wake up after a coma and everything is dandy.  There a major repercussions from an injury like this for the survivor and caregiver/family alike, no matter how "mild" the brain injury is.  

Barriers

I'm sure many of you have experiences barriers to the life you would like to live.  If you are a missionary, you probably don't have your dream house or the food you're used to.  There are huge cultural differences and language barriers.  In all reality, none of us have the perfect life where everything goes exactly as planned.  The kids don't behave, the spouse isn't living up to your expectations.  Then there's brain injury.

This post isn't meant to make people feel bad for us or me complaining.  I think people need to be educated about what life is like for a severely handicapped young family and to hopefully gain a better understanding so you know how to help people around you better.  Before I started this journey with David, I had no clue what it took to be living a disabled life.  I worked with disabled people all the time for 10 years and had no idea what they went through every day just to get to an appointment on time.

I have the husband, the babies, a comfortable home, adequate finances and wonderful family, of which I am so grateful.  But it's like having a car without wheels.

I never know what a day will bring forth.  In some ways, our life is so scheduled, so repetitive.  Every day, David starts getting ready for the day at 7am.  I go unlock the door for the caregiver and go back to bed for a few more winks unless there is no caregiver or Jocelyn wakes up early.  8am: I start making breakfast for everyone, wash last night's dishes, and clean up.  8:30am:  Caregiver reports to me how morning cares are going and advise accordingly.  8:45am: David comes out for breakfast and usually has a million things on his mind to say.  9:30am:  Either get David on the bed for exercises or off to an appointment with therapy, doctors, psychologist or whoever. 11:45am: Start preparing for lunch and eat lunch at 12pm.  1pm: Nap time for David and Jocelyn, time for me to do paperwork, housecleaning, laundry, prepare food for the week, make phone calls or write emails (ie. catch-up time).  2:30pm: David up from nap and goes to more appointments, walks or rides bike.  5pm: Start making dinner and eat by 6pm.  7pm: Watch a movie. 8pm: Bible time. 8:30pm: Jocelyn bedtime. 9pm: Get David ready for bed.  11pm: Night time meds for David and bedtime for me.  Sleep. Repeat.

And then there's the unexpected that happens more frequently than I'd like: ER or emergency chiropractor visits for severe intractable headaches, bladder infections, incontinence at inopportune times, caregivers quitting or no-showing, new caregivers to train in before important early appointments, unexpected appointments, unexpected social activities or cancellations that nobody bothered to let me know in advance about... It goes on and on.  

I'm constantly having to flex to something new with David; learn a new technique, remember how he reacts to all treatments and medications for the last 3 years,  notice any changes and accurately report them to doctors, ask all the right questions,  advance activities and exercises as David progresses,  make David wear splints and braces and come up with inventive new ideas to keep him from ripping them off.  The newest thing is a neuro stretch technique and then a brace applied to stretch out his calf.  This technique takes at least 20 minutes to do properly and is impossible to do properly with a two-year old crawling all over you and him, pulling on your hair, elbowing your belly, poking your eyeballs and other orifices, etc... And the PT wonders why I haven't been super compliant with this technique?  All the therapists want us to do home programs, which is fine if you don't have a million other therapies to do home programs for too.

Always climbing mountains.  It never ends.  Always coming up with strategies to help me cope/David retrain with behavioral/cognitive problems.  The mundane and unexpected combined with this new (relatively) environment (for me) make it so challenging to "fit" anywhere.  We can't go to most people's homes because they aren't accessible.  I have a hard time relating to women in my stage of life except for having a toddler.  TBI has left me grateful for the smallest things my husband can do for me.  A few days ago, he helped me clean the bathroom sink.  It was so hard for him to even scrub or get his fingers around the sponge.  It took about 5x as long but he was so proud of himself and I was so proud of him trying.  I change light bulbs, unclog drains and toilets, garden, clean gutters, get the cars maintained, build things, take out the trash, change every poopy diaper, clean up vomit, handle finances, squish spiders, shovel snow... I can't be scared of or wimp out on anything or not know how to handle almost everything. I can call my daddy but he's 2,000 miles away.  Women that are married to men who work and are able-bodied take so much for granted.  They may seem like couch potatoes but at least you can have a conversation with them without having to talk about 5 other meaningless topics 10x before the conversation is over (or did it really even begin?).  They can take out the trash or run to the store for a jug of milk, take the colicky baby outside for a few minutes.  They feed themselves and get themselves out of bed and dressed.  It takes over 2 hours to get David up, dressed and fed in the morning.  2-1/2 hours GONE! I spend about 2 hours with David almost every single day doing therapy-related "homework" and the caregivers spend about an hour.  It takes David about 45 minutes to eat a meal.  When he was in the hospital, it took him 1-1/2 to 2 hours to eat a meal so he's made progress in this area!  Disability takes so much time!  People wonder why I don't have time to "take time for myself", why I can't make new friends.  We try really hard to live a "normal" life but our "normal life" takes about 10 times as long to live in the same 24-hour day.

Laughter

Laughter...

It takes all forms...I remember this worker at House of Fabrics when I was a kid that my siblings and I would (to our shame) try to mimic and make fun of her laugh because it sounded more like a Model T having difficulty starting rather than a normal laugh. To us, that was the funniest thing in the world until finally, someone told us if we kept mimicking her, we may end up with the same laugh. As a kid, that was a solemn thought.

Anyways, that little bunny trail was more for your entertainment than what this post is really about.

As you know, the accident has left David with lots of body parts that don't work right. Most of the time it's just plain frustrating and aggravating that they won't just cooperate.  His left side, especially, doesn't pull its weight. When he's on heavy pain meds, they just plain quit working.  Today one of his body parts was not doing what it was supposed to. Instead of being discouraged about it, David started making wry comments about it and we just started chuckling. It felt so good to just laugh and just not worry about stuff.

The chiropractor David has been seeing for a few weeks has started him on a diet. This diet is similar to what people are calling a Paleo diet - supposedly what cavemen ate. Anyways, he can't have grains, sugar, fruit except for berries, avocados, Granny Smith apples, lemons and limes, moderate proteins, no root vegetables like carrots or potatoes, and minimal legumes.  He is supposed to do this diet for two weeks and then ease up a little.  Now I like to cook and bake a lot but this diet sort of takes the wind out of my sails. It's very time consuming because basically everything in a can or package have sugar, grains or starch in them so EVERYTHING has to be from scratch. If you know David, you know that, especially on the road as a lineman, his diet consisted of gallons of coffee, donuts, gas station fare, crunchy tacos from Taco Bell and a V-8 here and there to get his "vegetables" . :)  This diet is killing him. Tonight, we'd had it and majorly cheated. I stopped staring at Pinterest recipes for cauliflower pizza crusts and avocado-based grasshopper pie and loaded us up into our van.  We pigged out at a pizza buffet, stuffing our faces with so much carbs and sugar. It was glorious!  We were just grinning all night.

Laughter makes a day seem alright even when you have a toddler testing the limits of your coronary arteries by playing in rat poison, hand sanitizer and climbing to the highest perches of her bedroom to nap.

Rolling videos

Ok, so this may seem silly to be posting videos of David rolling in bed, but it is an amazing thing that he can do pretty well for the first time since his accident!

Here's the proof!

My Egypt

Wednesday night David had a severe headache again.  I tried the new pain medication the neurologist prescribed.   I tried peppermint essential oil.  I tried almost every PT headache treatment technique I know (and I've treated a LOT of people with headaches).  NOTHING even made a dent!  I was so angry and frustrated.  We've been trying so many different medications and treatments for David's headaches and nothing is working.  I cried out to God in desperation (and probably a bit of unrighteous fury and frustration) to take David's headaches away.  He has so many challenges, why this incurable, almost constant pain too?  God didn't take his headache away in that moment, so off to the ER we went, where they are getting to know us by name.  It was an unusually busy night at the ER with several critical patients, so a person with a bad headache that's becoming known as a regular visitor gets put on the bottom of the list.  So we waited for several hours and then he got doped up on the regular dose of morphine.  That just made him dopey but no pain relief.  Who doesn't get pain relief from morphine!?  So they gave him another half dose.  That did the trick.  We got home at almost 1 am and I heaved my husband into bed.  I was hoping this was the beginning of a restful night.  Wrong.  I was woken up about every 20-30 minutes by a delirious, anxiety-ridden husband who was, come to find out, having an allergic reaction to morphine.  Great.   Back to square one.  Can't even take him to the ER for headaches now because that's all they have to give him.  It's been 4 days without a headache for David.  I don't know what's happened but God has given him a gift of these beautiful headache-free days!  Anyone who has experienced debilitating headaches for months on end will know what a gift these last few days are.

I believe that God has given me a promise from the beginning of this journey that David will have a quality life and purpose and live to see "...the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." (Psalms 27:13), not just a promise of a new body in eternity.  My faith is falling short as I wander around in this "wilderness" especially when the effects of the brain injury make progress negligible.  The lack of judgement about safety and lack of understanding about how things that aren't fun or may hurt may help to reach long-term goals, frustrates progress so easily.  I find myself longing for my "Egypt" instead of what God has for us today and in the future.

What is my "Egypt"?  Everything that destroys my contentment in Now and undermines my faith in a big, powerful, amazingly wise God.   I need faith like Caleb and Joshua that God will conquer the giants that look so incredibly big and impossible to beat.  Pray for us in our spiritual, physical and emotional battles against giants every day.

And This is the Victory...Faith

I haven't written in awhile.  I've been meaning to write but somehow haven't found the right words or inspiration.  I'm not sure I have it even now but I feel like I should share some things.  Pardon the non-eloquence...

There's this verse in I John that I've been mulling over.  It just amazes me.  I think about how Jesus overcame the world and if He can overcome death and the world and has given us the Holy Spirit (indwelling believers).  If He has done all this, do we not have amazing power through Him, as Christians?  So here's the verse to satisfy your curiosity: "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.  And this is the victory that has overcome the world -- our faith." I John 5:4  Wow.  Seems so simple...until you have a brain injury that wipes out your moral compass and destroys any control you had or victories you thought you had over sin in your life.  It takes away any initiative to do right, to make good choices.  You see, the frontal lobe is responsible for giving you control over the stuff the comes from the depths of your heart out of your mouth or actions.  When it gets damaged as severely as David's did, it becomes a playground for Satan to attack weaknesses.  BUT, David has God's power available to him to overcome -- even medically impossible injuries to the brain.

I will not go into explicit detail as to David's struggles but I will say that we've been begging God to give him victory because it's destructive.  He's been struggling and praying, struggling and praying for a long time.  Finally, David initiated a move in his life that makes this problem almost non-existent.  This is a miracle!!

On a different note,  David's progress has kind of slowed way down.  We don't get real exciting bursts of progress lately.  We took him off his spasticity medication, hoping he didn't need it anymore but I'm starting to think he does need it.  :(  His walking isn't doing very well.  His therapies decided to taper off for awhile because he wasn't motivated at all and wasn't really making much progress.  We're still doing things at home.  My latest tactic is to try "working from the ground up".  Sort of a NDT (neurodevelopmental technique) approach.  So I'm starting him like a baby develops, starting getting him stronger on his stomach, lifting his head and trunk up, propping himself up on his elbows, pushups, etc... on up the chain.  Right now we're working on balancing in quadruped (hands and knees position).  He did really well today and was able to balance there for about a minute almost by himself.  Since I've changed the caregiver schedule so we don't have a caregiver at night, I do David's cares at night.  We're hitting dressing/undressing hard at night.  He's improving.  It's challenging doing everything with one "good" arm and poor balance but it's getting better and I think he's gaining some confidence.  Lately, the changes I notice are subtle.  His smile is wider and more even (he's got his goofy cheesy smile back!).  He's starting to "get" things and laugh at subtleties more and more.  He's getting better at thinking outside his little bubble and realizing other people have needs and desires that might be different than his own.  He's getting better at knowing how to engage strangers with more varied and appropriate questions and conversation and come up with more novel, realistic ideas or problem-solving tactics that actually work.  (To give to you an idea of how this has improved...last year about this time, when asked to problem-solve, he couldn't, period.  He would just say, "Cry for help!" no matter what or how simple the problem was.) David is still having bad headaches daily.  We've tried a whole gamut of medications, supplements, oils, etc... to try to relieve them, at no avail.  We've started him going to a chiropractor the last two weeks.  Today, he had 4 HOURS of no headache after his adjustment!  His night pain medication worked better too.

A beautiful bouquet from my honey. :)  Thoughtful and generous he is. :)

"Strength for Today and Bright Hope for Tomorrow"

I've been thinking about the line from the beloved hymn "Great is thy Faithfulness" that says, "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."  I find it amazing to see how the Lord gives the strength needed to get through today in small ways.  Some days, it's harder to see that strength but maybe it's because we are not leaning on Him hard enough to be our Strength.

We found out a few weeks ago that we have a new miracle coming to us around July 24th!  The sonogram last week recorded a perfect little heartbeat thumping away. :)  We are very excited to have another child join our family and give Jocelyn a sibling but are aware that it will bring extra challenges to our life.  An example of the Lord's strength for me in these last few weeks has manifested itself in my parents being here for the first few weeks of the pregnancy when I was the most fatigued and not feeling great.  I have been blessed with hardly any morning sickness so I've been able to function pretty normally. :)

Another way to Lord has been giving an extra boost is a shift in relationship between Jocelyn and David.  For awhile now, it has been a struggle.  David has a hard time controlling his grasp strength and when he goes to touch/grab Jocelyn in a "friendly" way when she walks by, he ends up hurting her by grasping her little limbs too hard and not being able to let go fast enough.  Of course, she is too little to understand that daddy is not trying to hurt her, but only trying to play.  She reacts with displeasure and lots of hitting and shouting.  We've been trying to work on both ends because both the action and reaction are problematic.  Lately, we've seen a shift to a more loving relationship between the two.  Jocelyn has taken to holding David's hand and gently stroking his arm, saying, "Nice!" and actually requesting and consenting to sitting on his lap without protest!

Something we've been working on for several months has finally come to fruition.  Last Friday, David got a special mount for his wheelchair that moves at several joints.  It has a special attachment so that he can read books and another one for a cell phone.  With his glasses, he can read his regular Bible for the first time by himself in 2-1/2 years!  He also is able to text on his cell phone with a stylus and his glasses.  It's so great for him to have another added way of communication and allows him to work on visual attention and fine motor skills.  I see it as a great tool for him that will open more doors for him.  He's also puttering around by himself in his new bright orange wheelchair with his right arm and leg propelling him.

With these new avenues of independence comes with a need for added supervision.  Pray for strength and wisdom for me and others who work with David to know how to "nag" him appropriately to not discourage him, but still keep him from hurting himself or others.

We were blessed lately with a beautiful trip to CA.  I'm including a few snapshots of our time there. :)